Tories may just be very, very drunk, Coveney admits

  David Davis tells Irish voters: C’mon why don’t you leave the EU too!

The Brexit row over the UK-Irish border deepened today, after David Davis triumphantly declared that he had solved the problem.

Touring the Border in his deep leather armchair and regularly raising a large, refreshing glass to toast the local population, Britain’s Brexit supremo announced that he had a foolproof wheeze to prevent any kind of border in Ireland:

“It’s quite simple, Irish folk, you just leave the EU too!”

After asking why no one was carrying a pig under their arm, the UK’s amiably detail-free chief Brexiteer said that “we really have had enough of this nonsense now, Patrick. We’re leaving, and you know you want to as well. Mine’s a double.”

Irish Foreign Minister Simon Coveney later admitted on the Andrew Marr show that he could not rule out the possibility that the entire UK Conservative Party was very, very drunk.