Border technology will track Catholics invisibly, says DUP

‘Taigdar’ will not disrupt daily life for anyone else, party claims

The DUP has moved to calm fears that new border technology will disrupt daily life in Northern Ireland by claiming that it will, in fact, be able to track Catholics invisibly.

“We know that people have been worried about queues, checkpoints and extra costs” said Sammy Wilson, the party’s mauve, amiably bigoted Brexit spokesman.

“But we want to reassure everyone that this will be a smart border. Thanks to new new camera technology – let’s call it ‘Taigdar’ – after Brexit we will be able to track Catholics invisibly as they cross the border and generally go about their satanic rituals, terrorism and so on. No one else will suffer any disruption at all.”

“Unless they look a bit Fenian.”