Santa ‘will actually have proper naughty list’ this year

Empty stocking warning provokes furious reaction from Brexiteers, Trump fans, Mugabe

Santa has warned that this year he really will have to be strict that bad behaviour has consequences for present quality.

The normally jovial mish-mash of saint and consumer marketing ploy said:

“2017 has been a bitch for naughtiness. We made the list; even though it was pretty obvious I checked it twice. But things like frightening away foreign nurses from Britain, or running fake news about black men causing hurricanes really can’t squeak onto the nice list”.

Santa is famously indulgent of in-year naughtiness, to the point where threats of receiving a lump of coal or a single wizened orange on Christmas Day no longer carry a convincing threat.

But representatives of his elf-based global organisation confirmed that they will be managing expectations heavily downwards this year, fearful of a backlash from right-wing UK tabloids and Fox News, as many families find empty stockings, or their presents given to bemused starving children in Africa.

Maverick reindeer Rudolph said: “on the plus side, we save a shit load of flying time going direct from London to Scotland this year, with hardly any presents for England. And we can do the US in an hour”.