British Ministers to plead directly with the Gods for trade deals

May, Johnson to supplicate before major deities as Brussels talks stall



Theresa May and senior British Ministers are to make a series of pilgrimages to ask the world’s main Gods to intervene directly to speed up trade talks with the EU and other major economies.

Downing Street made the announcement today following confirmation that EU leaders will not move to discuss future trade with the UK until December at the earliest.

The schedule includes whistlestop supplicatory visits by the Prime Minister to Lord Shiva, Yahweh and the sacrifice of a sheep on Arafat Mountain. Theresa May will also cover off the Christian God at the 10:30 Communion Service at her local church of St Andrew’s, Sonning, followed by coffee in the Ark.

Boris Johnson will prostrate himself before the Lord of the Sikhs, and offer gifts and atonement at Shinto and Buddhist temples during a week-long trip to Asia.

International Trade Secretary Liam Fox has said he is only prepared to kneel before Odin, Lord of Asgard, to beg for tariff-free trade with the EU.

A Number 10 spokesman denied that the heavy schedule of ritual Cabinet offerings to all available deities showed that the UK was desperate for a deal: “The Prime Minister’s visits to various non-existent heavenly realms have been in the diary for many months.”