Jacob Rees-Mogg to become a pirate after soft Brexit

Saucy Sue Privateer to prowl Spanish Main under WTO rules

An artist’s impression of the fearsome pirate ship

Speaking at the fictional Howard’s Way dockyard in Tarrant where the 18-gun Saucy Sue is being built, the North-East Somerset MP said: “If Brussels refuses Her Majesty’s Government a sensible trade deal, I fully expect the Queen to license gallant privateers to take our bounty by force.”

But he cautioned that British pirates will face risks on the Spanish Main: “Quite apart from dodging the bloated galleons of the French and Spanish, I expect a running battle with Captain Geert Wilders and his Flying Bouff.  He’s a scoundrel, but a fine seaman”

British piracy “needs no lessons from Brussels on equal opportunities” says Rees-Mogg: “I expect Priti Patel to make a dramatic entrance. She’s not to be underestimated, despite her dusky charms; a fine hand with the Turkish dagger.”

There will, though, be only one Captain on the Saucy Sue:  “Midshipman Johnson will be making us laugh with his clumsy antics and lies. But if my authority is challenged I shan’t hesitate to bring out the Cat.”

“Those Remoaners who think this will be some kind of fancy-dress farce, like that Blackadder episode with Tom Baker, could not be more wrong. The crew of the Saucy Sue are ready to drink, fight and die for hard Brexit under the Jolly Roger.”